jokes page

come on guys you goty no jokes to share???????????????????

think ive got that swine flu................keep coming out in rashers

I'm quarantined due to possible swine flu infection.

Pig sick I am.

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'


Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000..

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single £1 Coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the £1 as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Super Store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...








(You're going to hate me for this .... )
















'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO!'

I called a newspaper and asked if I could place an advert,the girl asked what it would say,i told her i couldn't tell her ,it was classified

What does a pirate say when he goes into cardiac arrest?..............................................................Arr, me hearty

I recently went out on a date with a dolphin. We just clicked...

my welsh mate Dave, sleeps with sheep and goats , does this make him baasexual?

The IAAF has confirmed that sex test row athlete Caster Semenya can keep her 800m Gold Medal, after her father, Fatima Whitbread, confirmed that she was a girl!

Bazz wrote:The IAAF has confirmed that sex test row athlete Caster Semenya can keep her 800m Gold Medal, after her father, Fatima Whitbread, confirmed that she was a girl!

^^^

Mum of Caster Semenya, 800m world champ, is outraged at her daughter's gender test.saying "This is a real kick in the balls for my daughter ."

Ferrari F1 pit crew sacked



The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British Government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the Scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower!




Adie