jokes page

its seems to me everyone needs abit of cheering up so why not av a few chuckles an share some jokes :

how do you make a snooker table laugh?put your hands down its pockets an tickle its balls

A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist:

"Hello, could you give me a condom. My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I think she is expecting something from me!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out, he returns and tells him: "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think she expects something from me too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom; and as the boy is
leaving he turns back and says:
"After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes allusions...and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting something from me!!"
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his
left, the sister on his right and the mom facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying: "Dear Lord, bless this
dinner...thank you for all you give us...!"
A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for your
kindness..."

Ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying, keeping his head
down.

The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even
more
than the others. She gets close to the boy and tells him in his
ear:
"I didn't know you were so religious!!!"
The boy replies: "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!!!"



Adie

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers she raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,


"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....



"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "

Adie

lol...very good. Just don't go too far.

Cleetus, a white-trash type from the deep south comes home one day wearing a smart suit, hat, matching tie and shiny new shoes.

"Darlin!, I is home" and proudly marches into the house and gives his bemused wife a twirl, to show off his new outfit.

"Cleetus! Jist whut in thu hell are yoo doin' in that stoopid lookin' outfit?" she asks angrily.

"Well, I wents to thu Doctor this mornin' an' he told me I wuz impotent" says Cleetus.

"So why in thu hell are yoo wearin' that stoopid outfit?" she asks again.

"Well, if I is impotent, then I is gonna look impotent!"

Sometimes we just need to remember what the 12 Rules of Life really are:

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "you are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.

7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"

8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

11. Work is good, but it's not that important. Money is nice, but you can't take it with you. Statistics show most people don't live to spend all they saved; some die even before they retire. Anything we have isn't really ours; It's on loan to us while we're here ...even our kids.

12. And finally...Be really good to your family and/or friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan

Adie

A woman goes to see a plastic surgeon as she is not happy with the 'Lips' in her private area down below. The surgeon tells her the work can be done and an idea of costs. The Lady agrees to have the operation & makes an appointment to have the operation done. She insists on one thing. As she is embarrassed about the Vaginal Lips & the thought of friends and relatives finding out, she makes the surgeon agree to total confidentiality. He promises to respect her wishes.

The operation comes & goes & the lady is unconscious in the recovery room. When she wakes, there are three Red Roses on her bed, with a bow tied to each of them. She is furious! She calls the nurse & demands that the surgeon comes. The surgeon comes & she says "You promised NOT to tell anybody about my operation, where are these Roses from"!?
The surgeon replies "Well, one is from me, thanking you for choosing and trusting me to do the operation. The second is from the Theatre Nurse as she has had the same operation & knows how uncomfortable it all is".

"Where has the third Rose come from, she asks.."? "That's from the man upstairs in the Burns Unit, he thanks you for giving him a new pair of Ears!".

Nice one Adie

Adie

A CHRISTMAS STORY FOR PEOPLE HAVING A BAD DAY:

When 4 of Santa's Elves got sick, the trainee Elves didn't produce Toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to stay over Christmas, which stressed Santa even more...

When he began to harness the Reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth & two others had jumped the fence & escaped, Heaven knows where!
Then he began to load his Sleigh & one of the floorboards broke,the Toy bag fell to the ground and all the Toys were scattered about.
Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a jug of Apple Cider & a tot of Rum. When he opened the cupboard, he discovered that the Elves had drank all his booze!

Just then, the doorbell rang, and irritated, Santa marched over to the door, yanked it open and there stood a little Fairy with a great big Christmas tree. The Fairy said cheerfully, Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you, where would you like to stick it?

AND SO BEGAN THE TRADITION OF THE LITTLE FAIRY ON TOP OF THE CHRISTMAS TREE.......

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again..

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.





He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?

Adie

Very good M8

Ran over something in the road the other day & got out & found a Dwarf. He said "I'm not Happy", i said "which one are you then?"

Thats when the fight started....................